So I was having a pretty good day today. Slept in. Made an appointment with a tg friendly doctor to have my pre-hormone replacement therapy physical. Kohl's was having a free shipping thing on their website, so I was browsing and ordering some new non-male clothes to try. Then, at exactly 4:11pm my phone rings. It's a guy from my office... but one who never ever calls me. Uh-oh. My brain was instantly on edge so I only recall the essentials of what he told me...
*Buzz buzz*
So, you've probably seen the e-mails the last week of all the reorganizing going on in the company...
*Buzz buzz*
... and unfortunately you've been caught up in that, so I'm afraid this is your last day with us...
*Buzz buzz*
... it's not about your performance. The company is just moving in some new directions....
*Buzz buzz*
... only ever heard good things about your work...
*Buzz buzz*
... since you weren't given any warning, the company will pay an additional two weeks...
*Buzz buzz*
... Are there any questions?
Umm... yeah. I had questions. Like "how does this affect my ability to transition on the job?"
HA! I keed. Unlike a lot of trans-folk this lay0ff struck pre-emptively. I was let go BEFORE I could let any of my transition oddness give them any motivation. They just "reorganized" me out. Along with a lot of other folks. And you know what? Misery doesn't like company in that sense quite as much as I'd expected.
So obviously now, priority one is finding another job. Before we lose the house and can't feed the kids and all. And you know why that sucks even more?
Because just this morning I was in this happy place where I had my transition path starting to come into the clear. To make sense. I had started a new weight loss / lifestyle plan just today. I was about to step on the treadmill at the time the freaking phone rang with news of my unemployment. And now... well now that CAN'T be my major focus. I have to go actively back into "guy mode" to procure a new job.
Times are going to suck. I'm going to be resentful at the very real delay... delay, not cancellation... this is going to cause my transition. I'm going to be angry about the one who managed our household's finances to the point where I can earn more and more money but still only live paycheck to paycheck.
It's going to be a dark time for me for a while. But I have experience making it through dark times. Now that I have serious motivation to live my life, I'm going to face it with more resolve and attitude than the debilitating depression I've grown so tired of. I'll survive and be stronger for it in the end.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Unlearning
One of the most daunting aspects I see before my transition isn't necessarily the learning of all the norms of the gender I've been trying to hide all my life. It's unlearning all the habits accumulated from a lifetime spent trying to fit in to the gender I was born into.
If you think about this for any length of time, you realize this is not a simple thing. Gender aside, people learn how to behave in large part by observation, practice, repetition, and adjusting to peer feedback. Those of us who are transgendered had a hard time with this, but because of that we had to put that much MORE effort into getting it right. None of it felt natural, so we relied more than most others on the repetition, and adjusting to peer feedback portions. We honed our identities to fit in for reasons we ourselves scarcely understood.
The problem comes when one tries to give that up. To give up a lifetime practicing habits that allow one to pass as a "normal" male, is not an easy thing.
As I observe myself with any kind of detachment as I prepare to learn to take on a new and more natural gender persona, I almost have to laugh at how many male habits I will have to UNLEARN. And it's not like these things ever came easily, or were welcomed. I would have much preferred to have emulated feminine role models. But... well that would not have FIT IN for someone with my body. And fitting in was the goal. Happiness and self-fulfillment were airy concepts I only learned about much later in life.
So when I find myself sitting in a chair, arms spread out, knees apart, seizing my "space" in a rather assertive masculine style, I can't help but chuckle. But I also sigh, because part of being comfortable and natural is based upon practice and feedback. And I've never gotten that in anything other than a masculine role. It's like I'm back to being an awkward adolescent, but without the forbearance of people chalking up my errors to youth and inexperience.
And the thing is, I so badly WANT to UNLEARN. If there was a pill to take that would erase it all, I would probably take it, complications and all. I find myself instinctively falling back on learned masculine habits and I inwardly kick myself. I have finally made peace with the notion that I no longer HAVE to do that stuff. But, not knowing another way in many cases, I fall back upon it all the same. It's pretty frustrating. And will probably be more so as I try to replace these habits with the ones I will be trying to develop, but are far less practiced or habitual just yet.
If you think about this for any length of time, you realize this is not a simple thing. Gender aside, people learn how to behave in large part by observation, practice, repetition, and adjusting to peer feedback. Those of us who are transgendered had a hard time with this, but because of that we had to put that much MORE effort into getting it right. None of it felt natural, so we relied more than most others on the repetition, and adjusting to peer feedback portions. We honed our identities to fit in for reasons we ourselves scarcely understood.
The problem comes when one tries to give that up. To give up a lifetime practicing habits that allow one to pass as a "normal" male, is not an easy thing.
As I observe myself with any kind of detachment as I prepare to learn to take on a new and more natural gender persona, I almost have to laugh at how many male habits I will have to UNLEARN. And it's not like these things ever came easily, or were welcomed. I would have much preferred to have emulated feminine role models. But... well that would not have FIT IN for someone with my body. And fitting in was the goal. Happiness and self-fulfillment were airy concepts I only learned about much later in life.
So when I find myself sitting in a chair, arms spread out, knees apart, seizing my "space" in a rather assertive masculine style, I can't help but chuckle. But I also sigh, because part of being comfortable and natural is based upon practice and feedback. And I've never gotten that in anything other than a masculine role. It's like I'm back to being an awkward adolescent, but without the forbearance of people chalking up my errors to youth and inexperience.
And the thing is, I so badly WANT to UNLEARN. If there was a pill to take that would erase it all, I would probably take it, complications and all. I find myself instinctively falling back on learned masculine habits and I inwardly kick myself. I have finally made peace with the notion that I no longer HAVE to do that stuff. But, not knowing another way in many cases, I fall back upon it all the same. It's pretty frustrating. And will probably be more so as I try to replace these habits with the ones I will be trying to develop, but are far less practiced or habitual just yet.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Partings... Or Not
Much of the shock of the gender transition is the shock of how it impacts one's current relationships. This is especially true if one is married to a spouse who (mistakenly) believes she is of the opposite gender.
Most everyone else I know who is Male to Female transsexual lost their wives as partners when the transexxual part of their self came out of the closet. I'm in the unusual situation where that has not happened.
My spouse/partner remains on board with me to this day. I suppose I should count my blessings, but certainly not count on this being the permanent situation. I love her to pieces, to the extent I'm not sure I can conceive how to live my life without her. But... she didn't sign up for this gender journey when she married me. And as far as society and the law are concerned, as soon as she decides she wants to end it, it will be over. My opinion won't matter.
Does that sound overly pessimistic? It's no different that I think about any other relationship. I presume they will all find me unworthy for some reason at some point, and therefore I stay distant. It avoids what I see as the inevitable abandonment. At least it avoids it emotionally. In part.
The thing is, the more I try to work up to braving a talk discussing parting from my spouse, the more I come to TALK to her... and remind myself how much I love her and how great we are together. I don't WANT to separate from someone this wonderful, who gets me SO much... just because.
I want to separate from her so I can start my new life though. Set out my flag of independence as a SHE!! Which is really impossible to do while still playing daddy for our 3 kids.
But I CAN'T leave my kids. I love them all... I've watched them grow up... I want to see the rest of the story.
And so... we are bound as a couple by habit, by inclination, by institution, and by momentum. All things being equal I'd be happy with that. I'm not unhappy with her in the least.
Yet... I still have this craving to BE the "her" in that kind of relationship. And there really can't be two of us.
I fear this will be a point that will be impossible to overcome going forward. But I'm willing to be surprised, so I will move forward without pre-deciding.
Most everyone else I know who is Male to Female transsexual lost their wives as partners when the transexxual part of their self came out of the closet. I'm in the unusual situation where that has not happened.
My spouse/partner remains on board with me to this day. I suppose I should count my blessings, but certainly not count on this being the permanent situation. I love her to pieces, to the extent I'm not sure I can conceive how to live my life without her. But... she didn't sign up for this gender journey when she married me. And as far as society and the law are concerned, as soon as she decides she wants to end it, it will be over. My opinion won't matter.
Does that sound overly pessimistic? It's no different that I think about any other relationship. I presume they will all find me unworthy for some reason at some point, and therefore I stay distant. It avoids what I see as the inevitable abandonment. At least it avoids it emotionally. In part.
The thing is, the more I try to work up to braving a talk discussing parting from my spouse, the more I come to TALK to her... and remind myself how much I love her and how great we are together. I don't WANT to separate from someone this wonderful, who gets me SO much... just because.
I want to separate from her so I can start my new life though. Set out my flag of independence as a SHE!! Which is really impossible to do while still playing daddy for our 3 kids.
But I CAN'T leave my kids. I love them all... I've watched them grow up... I want to see the rest of the story.
And so... we are bound as a couple by habit, by inclination, by institution, and by momentum. All things being equal I'd be happy with that. I'm not unhappy with her in the least.
Yet... I still have this craving to BE the "her" in that kind of relationship. And there really can't be two of us.
I fear this will be a point that will be impossible to overcome going forward. But I'm willing to be surprised, so I will move forward without pre-deciding.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
The Beginning
This is not going to be an easy thing for me to write. I hope it gets easier with practice. The very act of writing it is running against a screaming inner voice telling me to shut the heck up. I have lived a lifetime listening to that voice. Ignoring it, as I intend to here, is a new experience.
I am a transsexual person. By this, I mean the apparent gender of my physical body does not match that of the mind inside me. It never has. I've done a lot to try to make this work from the side of conforming my life to the physical side of things. That ultimately hasn't gone well. So now I've decided to give a shot at making my life work by trying to get the physical side to conform to the inner gender I've carried with me my whole life. I was born with male body. But my mind is female. I intend to make these reconcile more closely going forward.
This is not an easy decision. It's also not impulsive. I've been in therapy for over a year chewing on this very thing. And this therapy has been building upon a lifetime of thoughts on the same matter.
There will be a lot to talk about as this journey goes on... and I do see it as a journey. I'm determined to see it to the end, but I fear some of the hazards I expect to encounter along the way. I'll be talking about those more in future posts.
A few initial thoughts:
1. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a very negative reaction to anyone who suggests this is a selfish move on my part. I'm choosing a path of personal pain, insult, loss of friends, income, and even family. But that's not really the part of my situation in question. What I had to consider was whether those truly dependent upon me would be able to bear this. That still is the most crucial and harshest thing that weighs upon me. But I had to weigh that against the likelihood I would be able to go on living without this change. It's been a wrenching, and very personal journey just to get this far. People who flippantly suggest they have some keen insight about how this might affect those closest to me which I missed ought to be prepared to dazzle me with their originality. Hitting the same things I've been wrestling with, and which are still sore spots, is likely to set me off.
2. There's a lifetime of being raised and conditioned as a male that will never go away. These are real experiences that form a very real part of the person I have grown to be. The fact that inside I was feeling awkward and alien to the whole "male" part of these things doesn't erase the fact that I experienced them. This will always set me apart from those raised within an entirely female sphere... and I will always feel a sense of loss for not having their equivalent growing-up experiences. I will always be set apart by having lived so much of my life under the influence of one gender, rather than the one I believe I belong to. I get this. And it makes me neither one or the other, really. I never got as much out of the one I had as those it was meant for, and never got at all those I was denied. But I do appreciate that this gives me a rather unique perspective.
3. I've never, ever wanted to be the gender I was born into for a single moment. I have always been coping with it as some kind of "make the best of what you have to work with" situation. This may be hard for some others to grasp. But it's true. Every moment of "male-pride" for me was an action of trying to fit in to my peers. It never felt right. I never believed it. Not one time. Every memory I have of any event where those of one gender were split from another, I only remember feeling like I wanted to be on the other side... like I had to pretend I belonged on the side I was on for the sake of other people's feelings.
4. This experience is kind of like a death to me. I expect most all of those I know to go away and act as if I died. And emotionally, in preparation, I've been treating them the same way... for quite some time now really. Call it an emotional pre-emptive strike. It hasn't been intentional. But now I'm to the point where all my former friends likely think I'm dead anyway. So what's the harm in telling them the cause of death? It would be nice if a couple of them decide to summon the poltergeist I've become to stay in touch, but I'm not counting on it. "You will lose all your friends" is a fait accompli to me by now. Anything in the other direction is a pleasant surprise.
So anyway, this will be the spot I talk about thoughts, feelings, and experiences of my gender transition... my jender journey ( yes, of course it was intentionally misspelled. That kind of alliterative intentional misspelling gives me giggles. And as I have no audience but me to speak to at the moment... it rules).
I hope others going through similar experiences, having similar thoughts, or having salient thoughts on the topics to discuss, will chime in.
I am a transsexual person. By this, I mean the apparent gender of my physical body does not match that of the mind inside me. It never has. I've done a lot to try to make this work from the side of conforming my life to the physical side of things. That ultimately hasn't gone well. So now I've decided to give a shot at making my life work by trying to get the physical side to conform to the inner gender I've carried with me my whole life. I was born with male body. But my mind is female. I intend to make these reconcile more closely going forward.
This is not an easy decision. It's also not impulsive. I've been in therapy for over a year chewing on this very thing. And this therapy has been building upon a lifetime of thoughts on the same matter.
There will be a lot to talk about as this journey goes on... and I do see it as a journey. I'm determined to see it to the end, but I fear some of the hazards I expect to encounter along the way. I'll be talking about those more in future posts.
A few initial thoughts:
1. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a very negative reaction to anyone who suggests this is a selfish move on my part. I'm choosing a path of personal pain, insult, loss of friends, income, and even family. But that's not really the part of my situation in question. What I had to consider was whether those truly dependent upon me would be able to bear this. That still is the most crucial and harshest thing that weighs upon me. But I had to weigh that against the likelihood I would be able to go on living without this change. It's been a wrenching, and very personal journey just to get this far. People who flippantly suggest they have some keen insight about how this might affect those closest to me which I missed ought to be prepared to dazzle me with their originality. Hitting the same things I've been wrestling with, and which are still sore spots, is likely to set me off.
2. There's a lifetime of being raised and conditioned as a male that will never go away. These are real experiences that form a very real part of the person I have grown to be. The fact that inside I was feeling awkward and alien to the whole "male" part of these things doesn't erase the fact that I experienced them. This will always set me apart from those raised within an entirely female sphere... and I will always feel a sense of loss for not having their equivalent growing-up experiences. I will always be set apart by having lived so much of my life under the influence of one gender, rather than the one I believe I belong to. I get this. And it makes me neither one or the other, really. I never got as much out of the one I had as those it was meant for, and never got at all those I was denied. But I do appreciate that this gives me a rather unique perspective.
3. I've never, ever wanted to be the gender I was born into for a single moment. I have always been coping with it as some kind of "make the best of what you have to work with" situation. This may be hard for some others to grasp. But it's true. Every moment of "male-pride" for me was an action of trying to fit in to my peers. It never felt right. I never believed it. Not one time. Every memory I have of any event where those of one gender were split from another, I only remember feeling like I wanted to be on the other side... like I had to pretend I belonged on the side I was on for the sake of other people's feelings.
4. This experience is kind of like a death to me. I expect most all of those I know to go away and act as if I died. And emotionally, in preparation, I've been treating them the same way... for quite some time now really. Call it an emotional pre-emptive strike. It hasn't been intentional. But now I'm to the point where all my former friends likely think I'm dead anyway. So what's the harm in telling them the cause of death? It would be nice if a couple of them decide to summon the poltergeist I've become to stay in touch, but I'm not counting on it. "You will lose all your friends" is a fait accompli to me by now. Anything in the other direction is a pleasant surprise.
So anyway, this will be the spot I talk about thoughts, feelings, and experiences of my gender transition... my jender journey ( yes, of course it was intentionally misspelled. That kind of alliterative intentional misspelling gives me giggles. And as I have no audience but me to speak to at the moment... it rules).
I hope others going through similar experiences, having similar thoughts, or having salient thoughts on the topics to discuss, will chime in.
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